Boxed Text

i havent posted on this crap in a long, long time.
update to follow?

why can't everyone that i feel drawn to open up to have a reciprocal desire for an intimate friendship? feeling lonely and disconnected is one thing. feeling like i was stupid to try in the first place just sucks.

2.5b5*m2*CAFFEINATED GRAD STUDENT MAN!*Hair:Standard,longwavy,5A3410,FFFFFF,100,100,23,Eyebrows:Standard,eyebrows4,5A3410,FFFFFF,100,100,21,Eyes:Standard,big,0069B5,FFFFFF,100,100,20,Nose:Standard,broken,FFD08C,FFFFFF,100,100,27,Mouth:Standard,line,F8B684,EF6972,100,100,18,Beard:Standard,shadow,5A3410,FFFFFF,100,100,26,Ears:Standard,boxer,FFD08C,F79E72,100,100,19,Skin:Standard,hairy,FFD08C,FFD08C,100,100,6,Mask:Standard,shades,0000FF,BDBDBD,100,100,22,Headgear:Standard,cowboyhat,734901,732C00,100,100,29,Undershirt:Standard,tank,015519,FF0000,100,100,7,Overshirt:Standard,fraBlank,FFFFFF,FFFFFF,100,100,8,Coat:Standard,leatherjacket,000000,202020,100,100,25,RightGlove:Standard,fraBlank,FFFFFF,FFFFFF,100,100,17,LeftGlove:Standard,fraBlank,FFFFFF,FFFFFF,100,100,16,Insignia:Standard,fraBlank,E7017F,FFFFFF,100,100,9,Neckwear:Standard,scarf,006938,182863,100,100,24,Belt:Standard,buckle,53453A,727272,100,100,15,Leggings:Standard,stars,0069B5,FFF700,100,100,10,Overleggings:Standard,furbriefs,FF00FF,FFFFFF,100,100,11,Pants:Standard,slacks,CEA66B,FFD08C,100,100,14,RightFoot:Standard,kungfu,5A3410,9C4108,100,100,13,LeftFoot:Standard,kungfu,5A3410,9C4108,100,100,12,Back:Standard,fraBlank,FFFFFF,FFFFFF,100,100,3,Wings:Standard,fraBlank,FFFFFF,FFFFFF,100,100,4,Tail:Standard,fraBlank,FFFFFF,FFFFFF,100,100,5,Aura:Standard,lightning,732C00,000000,100,100,2,Companion:Standard,coon,732C00,9C4108,100,100,31,Background:Standard,slash1,FFF701,FF0000,100,100,1,RightHand:Standard,mjolnor,FF0000,E86517,100,100,30,LeftHand:Standard,sickle,FFF700,FF0000,100,100,28,#

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0EGwDEbTzoE&mode=related&search=

I never post unless I'm unhappy. I don't know who even reads this any more, with the possible exception of Rhonda. I know my temper and its warning signs pretty well now, but I have the hardest time thinking straight and acting appropriately.

I just went out to a club down the street to see They Might Be Giants, which are a great fun silly band that have always made me happy. I went with my girlfriend and several neighbors and friends, most of whom were drinking at the bar before the show.

Nathan, who I've known for years and play D&D with every week and generally hang out with frequently, and his girlfriend Kat were drunk and being weirdly polyamorously half-jokingly flirty in the way that they get. This was making me mildly nervous, because Nathan always pushes my boundaries when he is drunk, and I don't like it, but I've never made a point of telling him to stop explicitly. I should know better; I'm always trying to be more okay with things than I actually am. I generally wish more people would touch me, because it mostly feels good, but the way he hangs on me when he's drunk is just annoying and pushy.

In addition to this, my neighbor Sophia sat down with me and wanted to talk about how she's been feeling better about the incident several weeks ago, where I blew up at her and told her I didn't want to be her friend because she was superficial and annoying. I felt bad after this and told her it had little to do with her, which was true; there are parts of her personality that don't mesh well with mine, but my real problem is that I feel overstressed and lonely and desperate to connect with people but totally impatient with other people's bullshit.

So anyway, Soph talked to me about it, which should have been good but put me in a weird place because of the context. Then, Sam wanted to drag me to the dance floor, and I went to be near her, but I didn't want to dance. She was dancing so that I couldn't really put my arm around her. Nathan started dancing close behind me, putting his arm around me, trying to yell in my ear, and generally invading my space. I left, and went back upstairs, where I talked with Sophia. Then Sam came up and found me and shortly after that Nathan showed up, and started dancing his fat fucking ass all over right in front of me. I lost my shit, and I shoved him over so that he tripped and fell on the floor. He got back up in my face and I shoved him again. Sam yelled at me to stop and I heard what sounded like somebody calling security so I stormed out of the club.

I called James, who helped talk me down a little. Nathan tried to call me several times to drunkenly say that I should fight him instead of ambushing him. I am scared and angry and I feel cornered. I worry that I will have once and for all alienated my neighbors and friends. I feel sick to my stomach and worried about getting through work. My shoulders are wound up and I feel so frustrated with the difficulties of being who I am.

In addition to Nathan being annoying, I am freaked out about Sam. I feel somewhat stuck and uninspired in our romantic relationship, but I love her and I need her and don't want to fuck things up. We've talked at great length about keeping our relationship open but I don't know how to act on this from my end. She gave some guy a hand job at Burning Man, and I don't think I'm really jealous per se, I just feel left out and humiliated. She saw some guy at the club tonight that I think she fucked years ago.

I don't know what any of this means, but for some time now every time I hang around my neighbors when they drink, I feel frustrated and angry. I feel like there is absolutely no point to any of the interactions, and I feel desperate for female attention that I am not getting. I don't think there's any way I could get away with making a pass at or even seriously flirting with any of the women there, but I know that I will occasionally get hit on by annoying fags who I have no interest in.

I don't want to be the angry heart attack victim, but I feel like I work hard at trying to do the right thing and I don't know why. I am responsible and professional and sober and disciplined and I don't know what the purpose of my life is. I enjoy my time with Sam, but it feels sort of humdrum and I don't know how to spice it up. I sort of enjoy my D&D game, but I feel increasingly like I'm working too hard to please people who are never really satisfied and I'm not having much fun with it. My job is not a bad job, and I'd rather do it than something else, but the number of hours and the pressure to perform is keeping me from sleeping at night.

I don't really want to drink or get high and I remember when I did drink and do drugs, I was caught up in all the same negative emotions, wondering all the time whether the people around me thought I was cool. I feel like a permanent junior high school geek and I'm sick of trying. I want to have a good time on my own terms, but I don't know how to do that.

I tried to get ahold of Jess recently by myspace, hoping to mend that broken bridge, but she never got back to my last post. I've heard a little bit from Rhonda recently, but not much. Same with Nicole, who I saw when I was in LA. It seems to me often that, aside from James, all of the people I know how to actually discuss my real feelings with are women. And all of those relationships with female friends have always been colored by sexual issues. I think this is what freaks me out about trying to have a friendship with Sophia, is that there isn't anything sexual there, and I don't really want there to be, so I don't really know how to relate to her. I also sometimes worry that I've been shifting Sam unconsciously towards the "failed attempted lover" category, because that's where I've always kept many of the people I feel closest to. (Ruth are you reading this any more?)

I'm 35 years old and I know lots of things, but I don't know how to build a friendship on terms that work for me. I've been lucky enough to have a few friendships that worked out to my benefit by accident, but I don't know how to consciously cultivate more, and I feel too impatient for the casual relationships that most people seem to call friendship.

Sam is back here, so I'm going to sign off for now. I will accept advice or criticisms from all quarters.

to the tune of "The Night They Drove Ol' Dixie Down" by the Band

"Scarbelly Foghorn's my name

and I missed this year's Burning Man

but apparently some foolios came

and the shit it got out of hand

In the summer of Twenty-Ought-Seven

the Sacramento Valley was hotter than heaven

Then we heard on August 29th

some dude on the playa took his own life



it was the year they burned the man too soon

and all the hippies were freakin'

it was the year they burned the man too soon

and all the newspapers were shriekin'

they went: blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah



waiting for my girl in NorCal

and all I see in the news

is negative coverage of how

it's not how it used to be

performance art suicides

and frat boy negative energy vibes

then I realized that what the media want

is to make it sound like Altamont



it was the year they burned the man too soon

and all the pundits were freakin'

it was the year they burned the man too soon

and all the websites were shriekin'

they went: blog blog blog blog blog blog, blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog



well, I hope in spite of it all

that everyone had a good time

it seems to me the point of the burn

is for everyone to open their minds

a little bit of anarchy

never did no harm to you or me

well you can schedule the appointed date

just don't expect chaos to wait



it was the year they burned the man too soon

but everyone was still pervy

it was the year they burned the man too soon

and all the pirates still scurvy

they went: arr arr arr arr arr arr, arr arr arr arr arr arr arr arr arr ...

Well there's an alkaline desert in northern Nevada
full of 40,000 fools and some pancake batter
my girlfriend's on the playa and I can't go
I sold my soul like a corporate ho

you shuffle sixteen stacks of paper and what do you get
an incremental decrease in your student debt
they've got a heavy metal opera and I can't go
I tried to call in, but the Man says "no"

well there's a Black Rock Desert in northern Nevada
where you can do what you like and it don't matter
there's nekkid chicks with flamethrowers and I can't go
I sold my soul like a corporate ho

there's lesbians and dinosaurs and computer programmers
poststructuralist architects, rednecks from Alabama
Tina Turner's running Bartertown and I can't go
I sold my sould like a corporate ho

so listen all you chillunz, learn from my mistakes
you gouge that bossman for all the vacation you can take
use up all your sick days, take a personal leave
they've got the beautifullest titties like you wouldn't believe

well there's a crazy fucking party at the ass end of Nevada
they've got a little of everything, like a serving platter
there's an 80 foot pirate sloop and I can't go
I sold my soul like a corporate ho


copyright 2007 by yours truly, bitches

nice to see old friends. by old i mean we are some decrepitly ancient geezers. but everyone looks pretty much same.

elkum!

i am in OC.
my #:
the number jimi hendrix speculated 6 might turn out to be
the number of the world war that gavrilo princip started
the number jimi hendrix speculated might turn out to be 9
the number of the infamous love potion of yore
the speed sammy hagar can't drive
the number of counties Tym has been on probation in (to the best of my knowledge)
what you yell when you hit the ball in golf
the number of the one who is alive (think Ally Sheedy/Steve Gutenberg)
the sound yer mom makes when i'm doin' her.

Nakiga!!

anyone who says differently is a poo-poo head.

i have the coolest t-shirt evar.
also everyone should read John Hodgman's "Areas of My Expertise", at least until I outdo him.

always feel grumpy, depressed, and antisocial for no particular reason a few weeks before my birthday?

http://ewewgross.blogspot.com/

should I or should I not convert to Orthodox Judaism, move to County Cork, and make a fake Mithral Breastplate out of cardboard and silver spray paint to wear around all day?

http://volokh.com/posts/1142477277.shtml

more about this later ....

http://teh-dirty-robot.livejournal.com/127412.html

PALACE OF STAINS CREST THEATRE 10th & K SACRAMENTO CA 11 PM TONIGHT TICKETS ON SALE AT 5 PM MY BIG SCREEN DEBUT PLUS HALF OF EVERYONE I KNOW IN SAC.

fuck yeah dude.

that I haven't posted any updates in awhile. Specifically, since I last posted, I did in fact get myself fired from the hotel for calling in sick too many times (oh well), then made good use of my free time by heading down to San Ramon for DunDraCon, playing D&D night and day for 2 days, and got myself good and sick again. This one has been a doozy, with a lingering sinus infection that's still not gone. other than that, doing fairly okay. I asked my boss at Kaplan for more hours when I lost the hotel job, and lo, I have received in the form of a stack of c. 160 fair-to-middlin'-written (and fair-to-fuckin'-stupidly-reasoned) essays providing the sum total of America's future leaders' insights into the topic of commercial advertising. I wonder if they all have the same closet-Marxist history teacher because they keep launching into digressions about the development of industrial capitalism and comparisons to Nazi propaganda. I should shut up now, it's bad form for a teacher to be snitty about students' work, even in blog form.
In other news: Sam is doing really well at the life insurance sales thing so far, still working tandem with a more experienced agent but she gets a healthy cut of commission. harder to coordinate schedules, but we've been finding time for each other.
looking forward to next weekend's movie premiere (my big screen debut! - actually, my any-screen debut) and 3 days of gaming with James H. Money is very tight, so trying to wait patiently for my paycheck on tuesday and for Sam's commissions to actually get processed.
Getting very excited about the idea of coordinating a play by email game(s) of Diplomacy, but the cat-herding factor is making me impatient (as usual).
Worried about my grandpa, who seems pretty seriously depressed and resistant to up-cheering efforts. Looking for the rules to Acey-Ducey, a backgammon variant he used to play obsessively in the Navy. I have his old set, thought I might take it up to the nursing home.
that's about all that's fit to print at the moment.

Matt

Current Mood: geeky

okay some people (besides me, today) clearly have too much time on their hands:

to wit:
http://www.chud.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1485738#post1485738

on another note, I called in sick to the hotel on wednesday after being written up for calling in sick too much. Which means more free time temporarily and then another part time job until I can maybe sign on with Kaplan full time or get a community college job. And paying out the ass for COBRA.

snakes on a plane, man.


HAHA!!! i'm gonna say that ALL the TIME now. I'm a dork.

but this is awesome - I <3 cygnoir > B4!

http://www.chud.com/forums/showthread.php?t=78811

hahaha see cygnoir.net - journal for last week for links to more SOAMFP madness.

whee ....